This is where Chanukah stops for me...

If it weren't for my kids and now my grandchildren, I probably would never celebrate Chanukah. Mainly because this is where it stops being a happy celebration for me. I can still see this night 38 years ago burned deep into my memory, almost as vivid as the night I was there. Although no longer angry or bitter at God, I'm sure he realizes how much it hurts and how there's still an emptiness longing to be filled.

Tonight would be the night 38 years ago that I was waiting for my dad to come home from his pharmacies, either from Baycrest or Wellesley, as we would light the Chanukah candles on the menorah together. Normally, he would be home around just after 6:30pm or so, and I would be waiting at the babysitters until he arrived and we would go upstairs to our apartment. He didn't arrive at the babysitter's apartment that night and I was worried by about 7:30pm.

I went upstairs to the apartment to see if anyone was home. When I got upstairs and went into the apartment, the first thing I did was call out for my dad. Of course there was no answer. I then went to look around the apartment as there were lights on, and I went into my parent's bedroom.

That's when I saw my father slumped over the dresser all purple with spots on his arms and legs. I didn't know what to do and I was curious and scared at the same time, because I called out to him and he didn't answer me. He was just slumped over. My sister walked in and saw him and all I saw was her face all horrified as she was screaming, "Daddy's dead!" My mom got home and rushed to my sister and me holding us both. I was scared at that point because I was rushed back to the babysitter with my mom asking if I would be able to stay the night. I just wanted to see my dad. My mom said I could see him in the morning. I held onto that hope as my dad was not dead at the time, like my sister thought.

Morning came and I was anxious to see my dad as my mom came to get me. We went upstairs to our apartment and I saw all of the mirrors covered. My mom and my sister sat me down and told me that "daddy was not coming back" and is in Heaven. I was in disbelief and I wanted to see him. My sister told me we couldn't because he died in the middle of the night. I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral to say goodbye.

Chanukah at that moment turned from joyous celebration to emptiness and bitterness for me. I felt shut down. As time passed and anger swelled, I eventually stopped lighting the menorah. Chanukah lights got replaced by a Yahrzeit Candle. Somewhere inside of me is a 7-year old that wants his dad. The one Chanukah gift that I can never have.

My one true Christmas present...

This year, I got one really true Christmas present. Not only was it a Christmas wish come true, but it is the only present that means a lot to me. It didn't come from Joelle or any one of our kids. If anything, it came from God through Calvary Baptist Church. My Christmas present was a song. Not just any song, however. It was one that I was really really hoping to sing with the men's quartet (that I have been more than grateful to be a part of), with a band behind us. Sure enough, with the help of both Sharon Ballantyne and Gwen Pifer, it all came together and Dave Ballantyne, Dave Peterson, Keith Miles and myself performed Mary Was The First One To Carry The Gospel at the Christmas Eve service.

It means so much to me because of not only the meaning of the song itself, but the song practically sang itself to me. I would wake up with this song in my head as if a quartet of angels from Heaven were singing this to me. If fact, I think that is what probably happened. The song attached itself to me so much that I just had to share it with not only the quartet, but the church as well. I told Sharon about it and her and Gwen helped us get it together. To me, this was a real gift, because it was from the hearts of everyone involved and it made my year long prayer about this come true. And, it came from God because He answered the prayer. He also gave me the vision and the courage to act on it. Not to mention that my prayers got answered when the accompaniment tape was delayed and in fact never made it, so we had to put a band together on this and having Rob Chambers on drums and Paul Pharoah on bass, with Sharon leading on piano, was more than gratifying to my heart. They, along with the quartet brought out something deep inside.

In fact, I know it was God blessed because I was doing this on God's strength, because I have been ill for the past two weeks, starting off with a cold and now fighting off an infection in my throat, with the swollen lymph nodes to show for it. No one on the worship team knew if I was going to make it on Christmas Eve for either the worship team or the quartet, but God pulled me through it and gave me the strength to be a part of the prayer that I prayed. I even got a few little Christmas bonuses in the service, such as doing the intro to What Child Is This. None of the presents I got can compare to what God gave me for Christmas this year. And it really was Joy, Sweet Joy!

God does indeed provide...

Today is living proof that God provides. It all began with last night when I got home from work. I got a bunch of swollen glands on the left side of my neck that is doing nothing short of freaking me out. It probably has something to do with the recent cold that I got and then went out to shovel the driveway early Sunday morning because I feared another huge snowstorm. However, it was definitely nothing short of freaky and was running up a low grade fever and exhaustion. All I wanted to do was sleep when I got home last night. In fact, I missed Christmas Eve worship team rehearsal and didn't realize it. Fortunately, Margot let the guys know I was sick and fell asleep.

Well, after sleep and more sleep, I woke up at 6:21am this morning to a huge snowfall. I felt I didn't have a choice but to not have breakfast and just get going to Toronto. So, I got ready to go and grabbed my lunch. Sure enough, once I got to Ganz this morning, I found a box a day-old TimBits sitting on the table where we had our pot luck lunch yesterday. All things considered, it was delicious and all I could really ask for for breakfast. Sure, not the healthiest at all times, but I was sure grateful for such a treat. To me, it was heaven at the time. That to me was proof right there that God was thinking of me and providing for me. He certainly didn't have to leave me anything, but He did and I was sooooo grateful to Him for it.

Been way too long...

I can't believe how long it has been since I actually played the part of a webmaster. Things have definitely changed, and I think that it's that change that took me all weekend to get three web domains ready for launch. Worst part, I still haven't uploaded the content... that's tonight. If anything, I definitely need to do this more often so as not to lose my touch. My problem is that I relied too much on my hosting providers to do the kind of dirty work that I have been so used to doing myself. While I relied on them, I let my basics slide. It sort of makes me glad that I am on a host that allows me to do the web mastering. If anything, it felt good to be back in the driver's seat again. Hopefully, this will show in the web sites... I've even taken a different turn with them. Regardless, I'm definitely not about to let it slide again.

How does God put up with us?

Perhaps, chalk it up the fact that it is Tuesday and crap always happens to me on Tuesdays, but I will be the first to admit that I don't know how God puts up with us? I can't even put up with us. Sure, Joelle tells me that we have to do it with God's love. It's easier said than done. How do you love the miscreant who, without any conscious thought in his head, parks up beside you and sandwiches you in, while you are still in your car?? Then, he opens his door against your car frame to get out. I'm sorry, but in my head, that dude in the dark coloured Sebring is a total ass! Especially, since he had plenty of room on the other side!!! As much as I wanted to yell at him, I just decided to move my car. I don't need that crap. Some people are just total jerks and they know it.

And, again, I don't know how God deals with it. He's obviously an awesome God if He can deal with that kind of stuff by Himself, because I certainly can't.

Lunch SUCKS!!

Today's lunch is pastrami. For anyone who has known me for the last 45 years, how many times have I ever eaten pastrami? For those that actually know the answer, you can probably derive at how much I actually like pastrami! To cap it off, I eat ham sandwiches a lot less than I eat pastrami. It tells you just how much I like ham in a sandwich... assorted sub sandwiches don't count.

So, what does Joelle buy for lunch meats? Ham and pastrami!!! Hell, she may as well have bought me chopped liver, because I hate that even more than ham and pastrami! It really makes me think they either she has dropped to the level of the world's lousiest food shopper or she just doesn't care what she buys, as long as she can get a good price on it. Weird enough is that she'll complain over the $10 bag of Granny Smith apples. Yet, she doesn't realize that I will eat Granny Smith apples. I like them. I've eaten a couple of Granny Smith apples a day for the last 10 or so years, and have never complained that Joelle went out and bought more of them.

And yet, she buys pastrami!

Even more ballsy is that she snaps back at me with, "if you don't like it, then go and buy your own lunch meats". Well, you know what, Jo? I will! As soon as I get home from work, I am going to grab $40 out of shopping money, that you probably have already grabbed out of, and I am going to do a proper shopping with some meal planning and some lunch meats that I can live with. That's one thing that I have been able to do well, since living in Windsor and learning to deal with a room mate that behaved like my dog! And if you don't like it, then go and do a proper food shopping.

Yes, I'm angry... I'm totally angry and I'm screaming this out to the world!

The tape is now music...

Last year sometime, my friend Mike Kasprow introduced me to a Dashboard Widget called Oblique Strategies, by Brian Eno and Peter Schmidt. It's supposed to help overcome some creative blocks by giving some rather ambiguous solutions.
I've had a creative block for a few weeks, and finally decided to call it up just for fun. I drew a card from it and got the following:

The tape is now music

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Does it mean something that I recorded? Scotch tape? Duct Tape? Do I put the tape over my mouth and try to play it like a kazoo? Can it be a tape loop? How is the tape now music? So many questions about tape. Perhaps, I'll see a song come out of it yet. Don't ask me how, but there can be some form of hope!

If anything, it does give me an idea for perhaps the next CD after this one. If I make each song based on its own Oblique Strategy card, I'm sure I'll get something different out of it.

All I can say is "Thanks Mike! You've given me something new to beat my head against the wall about!"

The most stable currency: KINZCASH!

On Monday, Joelle told me that the value of all of our retirement investments has been crushed to half. While it often makes me wonder if the those mutual fund managers at the TD Bank really know what they're doing, considering that one of the basic rules that I know about mutual fund investment is then when equity funds fall, then look to either bond or money market funds to make up the difference, I look at everything that am doing over here on WebKinz and have discovered that the only currency that hasn't changed is the KINZCASH!

Talk about the best bang for your buck. You can still shop at the W-Shop, or Curio Shop, or even take a 24-hour Webkinz Vacation (of course I'm going to plug my first pet project) for the same price as before. There's no Lehman Bros. or Fannie May in Webkinz to screw up the value of the Kinzcash. Ain't that amazing? Talk about a lot of value.

If I were a broker right now, I would put all of my investments on Kinzcash. It has weathered this entire financial storm of greed, lies and corruption like the Rock of Gibraltar. Its worth has not been affected by this global "crisis". In fact, one trip to Kinzville and you'd see that there is no crisis here. If you have never been to Kinzville, there's no better time to come than now.

Still a lot of value... much better than the what you see in the real world today! Try to convince me otherwise! Too bad it's like The Matrix and I'm only one of the handful of engineers behind it. I can see it run, but I can't live in it... oh well!

Life is a Peanut Butter and 'Nana Sandwich

Today, I had a treat for lunch that I haven't enjoyed in a long time. Joelle bought ham for Josh and me to take for lunches. However, I love cooking with ham. I just don't like ham sandwiches. So, I looked for some alternatives in my house and discovered that Joelle also bought a bunch of bananas. So, it hit me and I went to the pantry to find some honey and peanut butter and I made myself a couple of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I almost forgot just how delicious they could be.

It brought back some memories of when Margot used to make them for us and we would spend time together eating these Elvis delicacies. We would sit and laugh and have an overall good time while dining. The best part of them was that we would just have them when we felt like it. Sometimes, I think we would just have them so that we could spend time together.

It's amazing how such a sandwich could be loaded with protein, vitamins and memories and taste delicious at the same time. I'll probably wind up making myself a western omelet tonight... we have ham!

It's not just the notes... it's the spaces also!

I don't get today's so-called heavy metal. In their attempt to get heavier, they've lost the whole idea of what music is all about. When I listen to music, I don't just hear the notes. I hear the spaces as well. I feel the music breathe. Today's music does nothing more than blast at my face like a jet engine and just doesn't stop. It's all exhale with no inhale. It's like intense scribbling on a piece of paper and calling it art. Spaces are biblical. Look in the scriptures. God didn't appear in the thundering roar or the rushing winds. God appeared in the whisper. God is in the spaces of our music. With music continually blasting out, where is there room for God?

I love it when a great rock song pushes you back and then pulls you in. There's a feeling to it that draws you closer. For example, take the Eric Clapton and Cream CD's that I picked up this past weekend. Most of the songs I love off of Cream are over 40 years old, but they stand the test of time. Songs like "Sunshine of Your Love" and "White Room" breathe in and out. They don't tire you out. They're songs I love to recreate the sounds with my guitar. Clapton's got something that many of these heavy metal vomit brothers bands don't have... feel.

If anything, I find myself programming my POD with tones from guys like Clapton, Hendrix, and others like them. Why? Because their tones breathe and their music breathes. It doesn't just have music. It has spaces in between the loudness. I want God to appear in the spaces of my music.

I'm Internet Famous... I have my own stalker!

Whoever thought that some putz from Guelph, like me, would have their own Internet Stalker? Well, move over Richard Letterman and Anne Murray... here I come. Even better is that I have one-upped you both because my stalker can be half way around the world. For all I know, they could be in Japan, Fiji, Australia or even Kookamonga (don't know if that's a place, but if Bugs Bunny says it, it has to be real!).

Some goon keeps pestering me for a picture of one of my guitars. What I can't understand is why they want a picture from me? Why do they want my guitar? If this bozo likes guitars so much, he can get the picture from a manufacturer's web site. First, he started pestering me on Facebook, so I ignored him there. Even worse is that this dude then tries to become my friend on Facebook. I mean, who the heck are you to think that I am simply going to confirm that you are my friend when I don't even know who you are? Even more so is the fact that when I went to gather some information on this person, there is very little to display. Another reason not to make friends with Internet strangers.

It gets creepier...

This dood now has starts searching my name on Google and tracks my main email address. Now, he's sending me emails to me wanting pictures of my guitar. So now, I have to filter his emails out and start taking action. This is making me wonder how stable this person really is, going through all of these great lengths for a picture that he could get from the manufacturer.

If that doesn't make things worse, this idiot is now doing some further Googling and has now found my co-author. Now, my co-author is starting to receive emails to try and get a hold of me. Just for a stupid picture of my guitar!!

To my little Internet Stalking "friend": Get a freakin' life!!!!! I'm more than sure that there's a shrink that can cure you of your obsession, be it the picture of the guitar, or getting a hold of me for that picture of the guitar. Either way, this is the most that you are going to hear from me for now. However, I will give you this warning: If I so much as hear from you again in a roundabout way, I will not only mention you by name in a blog entry, but I will also post your email address and encourage everyone I know to tell you what a yutz you are. And that's after I turn the information over to INTERPOL!

And if you want a picture of one of my guitars you can get it here: http://www.ibanez.com

Occupation: Forum Troll Abuser!

Here's the pot calling the kettle black: a forum troll who had nothing better to do except call everyone incompetent and then lob insults at me trying to make himself look better, got called and couldn't deliver. He then has the balls to cry personal abuse. What a piece of work.

The dude couldn't even back up any initial argument that he stated. He got called on it... simple as that. If you're going to make an argument, back it up. Don't go lashing out insults and then cry when you get put in your place. That is the poster boy of a forum troll.

To the forum troll on the Line 6 forum: you were not abused. You were abusive. Learn the difference... you will get called on it. Next time you are asked to back-up your points, refrain from the personal attacks. If you swim in the shark tank, you will get bitten!

Feeling the Fiery Darts of the Enemy

Yesterday, with our worship team to Mount Albert to Hillside Evangelical Missionary Church, I can definitely say that I was in the enemy's line of sight. I could tell that he was focusing in on me, because I was trying to do a lot of preparation to make sure that everything would go smoothly. Sure enough, a crack in my armour was found.

I spend Saturday evening preparing all of the tones in my POD X3 Live unit to ensure that I would be spending more time in worship and less time trying to concentrate on the sounds in my POD, and where everything is. I even made sure that I had the intricacies of Gearbox worked out so I could easily arrange everything into two banks. So far, so good. I have my tones in order. Now, I went to check out all of the relative volumes of my tones on the amp that was taking with me to Mount Albert, and all seemed well, so far. Not to mention that I figured that it was such a great idea in my head to plug everything into the effects return of the amp. Why not? It actually sounded amazing. I thought I did good...

... just waiting for the first fiery dart to fly.

The enemy is smart. He let me believe I did well and it was going to be a great day in worship. He was sitting there waiting for the right moment to lodge his assault on me. He was getting his timing right to then when I would throw the power switches he would start letting loose one by one. I knew he hated the fact that I believe in Jesus, but I never saw this coming. I let own overconfidence in myself become my weakness, and my guard was down. Enter the fiery darts:

Fiery Dart #1: All of the relative volumes of my tones were out of whack. A bug in Gearbox doesn't clear the temporary memory of the POD properly. Thus, I believed that the volumes were good. I had to re-adjust everything as we went along in rehearsal.

Fiery Dart #2: All of my tones were set way too hot! They were blowing the inputs of the PA system. I was checking things with a low master volume setting on my amp. I should have measured everything up in my audio interface with the Master Volume on full, or better yet, it no Master Volume control at all on the direct side. I wouldn't have this problem if I checked and calibrated the levels properly. This made it easier for the next couple of darts. As a result, the sound guy was forced to mic my amp for a better sound. This set me up for the next set of fiery darts.

Fiery Dart #3: As a result of the second fiery dart, my amp was driven way too hard. This become evident once I started turning things up to monitor my sound. All of my sounds were sounding way too brittle. They were hard on the ears and I wound up having to change my patches on the fly during rehearsal. Nothing sounded the way I wanted it to. Again, I should have checked all of this against my audio interface without any Master Volume.

Fiery Dart #4: Right in the middle of Rock of Ages, the sound starts dying out on my amp. That was a sorry sight. I had to just keep playing. I was wondering what happened. The sound guy wondered what happened. If anything, it was a result of driving the amp way too hard. I saw this happen on the tiny Fender Amp in the church.

As a result of those darts yesterday, I hooked my POD back up the audio interface and I started lowering volumes. What I am going to do is take off the Master Control and keep the gain at unity. This way, I can bring the volumes right down to the proper levels on full. This should keep the live side sounding proper and hopefully will not burn out the circuits of my amp. We on worship team this next weekend, so this should give me the week to prepare.

And, even though I felt these darts, God still used our worship for His purpose and everything worked out for the greater good!

Easing my worried mind...

Last night, I decided to take matters into my hands to ease my mind about going to the support forums on Line6's web site. I left my POD hooked up and powered on all night. I wanted to see if there was going to be a problem leaving it on, whether it would crap out like one of the older units. As much as I wanted to go down to the studio and turn it off, I forced myself to stay upstairs and check in the morning.

After an anxious night, I went down to check on the POD. All lights were on and the tap light was blinking normally. Thus, it didn't crap out on me, which was a good sign. Next test was to hook up my guitar and play it for a few minutes. I put it on a couple of my newly made amp tones (one AC/DC like tone and another Aerosmith like tone) and it played beautifully. Aside from the killer tones that this thing produces, the unit proved to a solid unit and I'm grateful.

If anything, I will feel more relaxed going on the support forums now, having proved to myself that their problems are not my problems.

I really ought to know better!!

It really serves me right for hanging around support forums. If anything, it makes me unsettled reading about people who have the same things I do and
are having problems. The thing is, it's a support forum. People don't go there to talk about how much they love their stuff. They go there to whine, bitch and complain about the problems with the product and with the company that makes them.

It's a known fact that companies will put out a product that may not work once in a while. Of course, when they wind up in customer's hands, where do they go? To the manufacturer's site to tell everyone all about their bad experiences and not to buy this product. In the 10 or 12 people that do this, I'm sure that companies sell a ton more of this product to totally happy users and the amount of defects are really small in comparison. Problem is, these defects get amplified because of this concentrated area of people venting their spleen all over the place. And then, you get other people like me going to these places wondering if now if they should buy this thing.

My case in point: I recently purchased a Line 6 POD X3 Live so that I can control my guitar sound in church. I hate the insect-like sound I get from the way the sound crew hook up the amps to the PA. Thus, I get to control my sound from the POD. Which, despite of everything else that happened with worship team, I was rather happy at how the guitar sounded. I could say that I owned the sound coming out the PA, good or bad.

Of course, what do I do once I purchase my X3? I register it and then go right to the support forums. What do I find? Whining, bitching and complaining about defects, design, sound and other problems. Of course, I haven't been hit with these problems and my X3 is one of the newer designed ones, probably explaining why couldn't find any for the past 4 months. Sure enough, I get uneasy because of this because it is always going to stick at the back of my mind whether something will go wrong with it. If anything, I am just going to have to learn that just because all of those people on the support forum are having problems, all of the units aren't having problems.

Heck, I am not going to buy my Toyota by going into their service department. Every car in there has a problem. If something goes wrong, I'll have to figure out my options from there. However, if I am going to sit here worrying about my X3, thinking that if I never turn it on, then I will never have a problem, then there is a problem... with me! And if I am ever going to keep thinking like this, then I had better stay away from hospitals as well because there are too many sick people there!

Last Two Weeks Passed... Like a KIDNEYSTONE!

I can't begin to tell you about the last two weeks integrating, testing and releasing my very first project on WebKinz: Pet Vacations. Mind you, this in no way reflects my feelings about working at Ganz, because I have really grown to love working there in the past six months... it just took a while to get used to the transition. And as much as I like them, I think they may have grown to like me too.

But, I will admit that the last two weeks passed like a kidneystone getting the project integrated, QA'd and released live as of yesterday! Yet, if it weren't for the team that I was so fortunate to lead, it would have been a lot harder. We weathered almost everything that this integration period threw at us, and as much as I felt responsible for my decisions with the team (I made some bad choices along the way), they stuck with me. I wouldn't let them take a fall either. They were stellar and were everything a team should be for this project.

We endured everything including:

• Various delays beyond our control
• A botched merge paving the way for disaster. I was feeling totally bummed about this one because I certainly felt that this was the best way to integrate our project at the time. Of course, one member stood by me on this not only supporting my decision but also figuring out how to get the merge done properly while I was assembled a crack integration team prepared to act on a moment's notice should things go awry again. Again, everyone on the team rose to action.
• Various items that got passed over
• Double time smoke testing... again kudos to the team, and to everyone helping to QA. The co-operative effort between teams was amazing, and I would stop at nothing to ensure that everyone knew what I knew.
• Preparation to go live, including an early start. Another team member rose to the occasion and brought in the programmer's favourite breakfast... cold pizza. Honestly, it was fantastic and has been a 25 year fave for breakfast!
  
• Me, of course, proving what an ass I can be by not only stepping in it with my big mouth, but sticking the same foot in my mouth... and I openly apologize for that!
  
• Last minute fixes to situations no one ever dreamed of, but happened as soon as we were going live.
• A programmer's nightmare: modifications to code that was never working right in the first place only to find out after going live killing already released features.
  

The last two situations were really scary and I was prepared to stick with the one of the other team members to the very end. The pressure was on as we went live. I pair-programmed with him to not only help find the fixes and how we can get things working, but I also dug back a few major revisions to find the code that originally worked so that we can put in our new features and ensure that this never happens again.

It was a rough two weeks, but I endured. I felt challenged down to the core and I accepted. I felt beaten at times, but I wouldn't let up. I'm totally exhausted, but I love it!

And, as with all kidneystones that pass, I am relieved!

And to be honest... I look forward to the next one!!

Cherishing the Moment

After a day of anything that could go wrong on a project, did go wrong, I decided that it was time to just get away from it all and do something for myself that would be the perfect distraction from it all... I grabbed one of my most special guitars and restrung and restored it completely.

What makes this guitar so special is that Joelle got it for me. It's not all that often that she will go out and buy me a guitar to cheer me up, but she did. She bought it for me when I was feeling really down as I had just gotten into a car accident. She knew that I had once met Frank Gambale and he let me play his guitar, and it felt really nice. So, Joelle got me a purple one just like Frank's and it has been my main electric since.

Up until recently, I hadn't been good at taking care of my guitars. However, since I started restoring the finish on my other guitars, I have been wanting to do it to all of my guitars. After I applied the Swirl & Haze Remover and the Deep Polish/Conditioner, that guitar, like all of my others, seemed to come back to life. And after a day like today, I really appreciate a guitar like that one and restoring it to its natural beauty made me appreciate it even more. It made me realize just how blessed I was that day to have a wife that really cared enough to get me such a guitar and I should cherish the moment because it will probably never happen again.

Awestruck, Humbled and Empowered by a Few Simple Words

"Jord, your recordings have that 'big' sound I'm looking for. My son recently recorded his band in a so called 'professional studio' and the sound isn't nearly the quality of yours. I'm thinking the sound engineer lacked experience."

"I have to second the kudos to Jord's tunes and the great sound on his recordings!"

These were two of the comments that I have read today about my recording and mixing abilities today on the Inside Home Recording forum. The second comment was made by one of my friends, Dave Chick. What makes this comment so special is that Dave is a respected composer and engineer in his own right. He has written numerous soundtracks and I wish I could write music like him. You gotta hear his stuff at http://www.hatchedproductions.net and you'll know what I am talking about. His stuff leaves me awestruck. That's why I feel humbled reading his comments.

I can't begin to tell anyone how it makes me feel to read that I may be getting somewhere with my mixing. All I know is that I feel empowered to push my mixes even further than they are today. I fell empowered to improve myself even more. All I can say is thanx huge, Joe and Dave. I can't explain how deep your words have touched me, but they have given me renewed strength and purpose.

My Mother was Right

My mother always told me, "for all the time you spent arguing that you don't want to do it, you could have already had it done." Truer words couldn't have been spoken today!

Being the project lead for a rather major web project due to launch in a couple of weeks, I managed to uncover something that I suspected all along just before I was about to give the go ahead to push to the integration sandboxes. The worst part of this was that each department involved thought that the other department was going to handle this. Sure enough, no one handled it and it was left until today, less than two weeks before launch. Not having a choice, I had to get a developer to implement this code.

So, I tell the developer what needed to be done and I get the buck passing routine. In fact, I'm getting almost every excuse in the book as to why this should be handled by someone else. Even worse is that I am getting another developer chiming him his support against my decision, and this developer isn't even on the project. That's where I had to pull my project lead rank and put my foot down on it. I knew this developer was capable of it... heck, I consider him a better developer than I am. Yet, I knew that I could do this easily if I knew which libraries to poke into, so I know that he could easily do this because he knows which libraries to grab the information from. Yet, he puts up a fight.

Finally, he listened to reason when the main tech lead approached him supporting my decision. All I'm thinking to myself is that all this time you were arguing with me, you could have had this done and we could be integrating. My mother was right!

Satori... Linux... NOT!

While I'm waiting for a repository to download, I figured I would take out my laptop and take a renewed shot at Linux (CentOS 5) and see if I could get any instant awakenings with it. So far, I still feel like a deer in the headlights with it. It must be psychological. Reason being is because I'm always working in the underbelly of my Mac, which is FreeBSD Unix. I know my way around FreeBSD as run on my Mac. I don't know what it is on a Linux box that still shuts me down.

Perhaps, I just need to pick up a good book and follow a few exercises to get me through this initial hump and then perhaps the lights will come on with it. Problems is that I will need to pick this up rather quickly... as in crash course quickly! I have some new freelance clients that I want to keep separate on their own sandbox. I don't want things intertwined on my computers as I did in the past. The way I see it, it's either a Windows VM or a Linux VM, and I'd rather do Linux, even if it means I have some extra homework to do.

Fortunately, I have a couple of friends that work with CentOS. I may have to rattle their cages.

Mental Block Not Necessarily a Punishment from God

I love Joelle... she's very cute with her answers at times. I told her that I was suffering from a mental block because I was having trouble thinking of an idea for a song. No quicker than me saying it did Joelle come out and say, "Maybe it's a sign from God telling you to stop writing that loud rock and roll and write some hymns." What can I say? She made me laugh with that one. But, while there could be a grain of truth to it, I would highly doubt that God is "punishing" me with a mental block, and I have reason:

1. These days, everything I write deals with Him. Whether it deals with my relationship with Him and Jesus, or simply to glorify and honour His Holy Name, it's all about about God. Not me... God! Why would God want me to stop talking about how great He really is?
2. Considering that all of my ideas are Heaven sent, and all of my "loud rock and roll" comes from God, if God wanted me to write something in a different style, would it not stand to reason that God would send me the idea? I would like to think that every time God inspires me with an idea, I run with it, no matter how bizarre I think it may be. Trust me, I wrote a couple that felt bizarre to me, but somehow, they reach other people. That's why I won't question this.
3. It may not be a mental block. It may be a mental rest... or a mental fast. God rested. Jesus fasted from the things his body physically required, such as food. I should probably embrace the rest, or fast, period rather than be frustrated by it. This way, I'll get back to more songwriting with a more refreshed attitude and inspiration.

This is why I can't believe Joelle's answer when it comes to this. God works in His time and if there's a great idea that He wants me to write, He will give it to me. God knows how music fits into His plan and He knows where I fit in.

"He who waits upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall rise up on wings of eagles; they shall run and shall not faint..." Isaiah 40:31

Drum videos for my padKontrol

Okay, as much as I am hating the fact that Korg is giving me non-working free software (I stuck the free in, so that you knwo that I know that it is free), I am really lovin' the new padKontrol. Mind you, it's no real surprise to me as Korg has always put out great stuff (been using their gear for over 25 years with no complaints at all). This thing is so sensitive that it picks up my palm resting on the pads when I am playing. I am finding it much easier to play some rhythms, fills and even some percussion. I definitely need to see if I can do some darbuka, bendik and tabla type of stuff on it. I'm even liking the fact that the software is a little easier to use in order to re-arrange the pads.

I decided to take a day and formally get acquainted with it, rather than simply dabble with it. I bought some drum instructional videos for Joelle a few years ago, because she wanted to learn to play her drums, and I thought I would take a crack at one of them seeing as I could probably transmute some of the entire limb stuff to my fingers. If anything, I picked up a few great finger exercises on the pads and found myself practicing some of the various exercises such as swing pulses, polyrhythms (loved those!) and managed to transfer a few licks and was able to arrange the pads in a manner that allowed me to play the licks easier. I even managed to soak up a little beat making history and transmuted that stuff to the padKontrol. It was actually easier to do on the padKontrol than on my ol' Trigger Finger. Funny enough, I may find myself picking up some more drum videos to improve my technique on the padKontrol. They work, and they work well for me. I can't wait to try them out in my next song.

One person that I would love to see an instructional video out from is David Haynes. If you don't know who he is, check out http://www.drummerworld.com/drummers/David_Haynes.html and you'll see why I would want to learn from this master!

WARNING: Useless Freebie Rant!

Yes, I am ranting today. I am ranting because of the freebies that came with my Korg PadKontrol. It has nothing to do with the quality of them, in fact, I would love to use a bunch of the freebies that I got with my padKontrol. It has to do with that fact that they aren't working on my MacPro.

To add even more salt into the wound, the freebie software was made by Korg itself! It was their M1 LE software instrument, which is modeled after their M1 synthesizer. I try to install this sucker and their so-called authorization utility simply pops up a blank screen. YES! A blank screen! Is this a new challenge-response type of game that it is playing? Not only do you have to enter your serial number, but you have to find the box to enter your serial number as well as the button to press okay with! Who is the genius who came up with this authorization scheme??? The dude was probably the class clown in tech school, and missed a few important things that the teacher was talking about when it came to programming. Either that or their project manager is an ex-Microsoft employee. So, sure enough, I am totally unable to use this piece of software and I want to use it. I can't wait to contact Korg about this and express my satisfaction to them about their own software that comes with the thing. It's a great thing that I love their padKontrol, as well as all of the other Korg gear that I use in my studio. In fact, I have always loved Korg hardware. Joelle and I owned a Korg Trident as well as a PolySix and they were great synths. I loved the old Korg synths and the VC-10 vocoder. Those were fantastic pieces of gear. And yes, I loved the M1. The beauty of it is that all of these synths are available in software, but I can't try out the M1 LE, so how do I know how well it will be? I sure as heck am not going to buy software sight unseen. Maybe Korg will see this blog and make good... then again, who am I kidding?? They don't know me from the next shkeef with a padKontrol!

Yes, I know they came free with the padKontrol and I probably shouldn't complain about it, but heck, if you're going to give me something for free to use, the very least that you can do is make it so I can at least use it!! This is even more important if you want me to ever consider purchasing the full versions of the software!!!

There, I've vented my spleen all over your screen! I'm going to play with my padKontrol and maybe I'll post a blog on how much I really love that unit.

Post Vacation Blues...

Sometimes I hate vacations... only for the reason that you have to come back from them. Perhaps, it's the disillusion thinking that coming back, things are going to be different, when in fact, they are nothing more than the same. It's hard to explain. It must be that insanity thing... doing the same thing over and over again and thinking that I am going to get a different result. The vacation was a nice break and I got some fantastic pictures, but it was just a dent in the cycle and now its happening all over again. The problem is that I don't know what I need to do that will break the cycle. I know that I need to do something, but I don't know what it is. It's not like I can ask anyone either... I feel like no one understands.

I guess I could write a song about it. Almost sounds like a blues thang... then again, that repeats over and over. Figures.

My Whacky Vacation Blog!

This vacation cruise has been nothing short of an adventure from start to the end. Funny things have happened each day. Here's some of the highlights that have happened:

Sunday August 3, 2008 - Good Thing We Left For the USA Today

We were met with nothing less than delays. We had a 2 hour delay crossing the border. When we got to Customs, we decided not to let it get to us, so we put on our crazy faces and made the border guard laugh when we told him that we were catching a cruise in New York City to Canada. Not to be outdone, however, we were met with delays ranging from construction to a greasy spoon joint forgetting our order (we definitely should have gone to Subways or something), making what should have been an 8 hour drive a 12.5 hour drive.

Monday August 4, 2008 - I Get to Call Joelle "The Crazy Lady!!" All Day

Part I
We get to the pier in New York City and Joelle was so certain we were coming back on the Friday. In fact, she was so certain that she argued with the parking attendant who told us the ship was arriving on Saturday. Joelle wouldn't back down and the guy says, "Look, if you plan to come back on Friday, you're swimming back!" So, Joelle pulls the car aside and and goes, "I'm going to prove to him I'm not crazy!" She pulls out the itinerary and looks and it and goes, "I'm Crazy!!!" Need I say more?

Part II
We get to the deck and Joelle was certain that we were staying on Deck 4. They looked at her puzzled and ask what her room was. She looked at her sheet and told them "7292 - Empress Deck". The first digit clued me in: Deck 7. I asked her, "Are you sure it's deck 4? It says 7292." Again, she is adamant, so I didn't bother to argue with her until we actually got on the ship and into the elevator. I told her to push the Empress Deck. She reaches for the 4th floor and I told here that it read Promenade Deck and that Empress Deck is the 7th floor. She gave me permission to call her Crazy for the rest of the day. And I did!

Tuesday August 5, 2008 - Calmest Day at Sea

If anything, we had a calm day at sea. Our room is very comfortable and the boat has gently rocked us to sleep. I haven't slept so good in ages... except when Joelle hits me for snoring. I may try sleeping in a deck chair if that persists. Yeah Right!

I got some great dusk photos at sea. As well, I auditioned for one of the parts in the "Legends" show and tied for the choice of Elton John. However, I lost by a hair in the applause test. Oh well! Maybe I should have tried to audition for the Ricky Martin part.

Wednesday August 6, 2008 - St. John, New Brunswick

I had a great time on the photography tour today. I caught a lot of great pictures and the tour guide is a pro photographer and showed a whole bunch of tips and tricks. Yes, Joelle and I knew a bunch of them, it is still great to hear these things from other  photographers. Overall, I was very happy with my pictures. I haven't seen Joelle's yet, but I'm sure she'll have to dump her cards very soon. Unfortunately, my leg got sore to the point where I couldn't walk anymore, so I had to go back to the boat, while Joelle shopped in the market square.

Got some great pictures of the dining room staff doing a dance, and we all had some great times at dinner. Too bad it was too cloudy for sunset shots, but I'm not complaining because I caught some great shots today as it is. Was going to try the audition for Ricky Martin, but I will admit right now that I don't know all of the words to Living La Vida Loca. I decided to stay in my cabin and work on my photos instead. Made some great sepia shots of New Brunswick... that's how I see the place

Thursday August 7, 2008 - Halifax, Nova Scotia

Overall, had a great time shooting around Peggy's Cove. The pictures there are what postcards are made of. Joelle had fun shopping at Del Sol, around Pier 21. We also took a double decker bus tour around Halifax and Joelle wanted to get off at the shopping district on Spring Garden Rd. It practically felt like Guelph... mind you, there are two musical instrument stores in Downtown Guelph within walking distance. I was disappointed not to find one there in Halifax that was close enough to the ship. Oh well... got some decent shots in. Took in a bit of Halifax history, but it was a shame that the tour guide that we had was only exploiting the disasters that happened in Halifax (I'm positive that it has some great points to it) and his knowledge of the metric system couldn't fill a coffee cup... and the dude is Canadian.

The highlight of my day was watching Joelle walk a professional steamer back to the ship, that she bought off of Kajiji, and told the guy that we were just happening to be in Halifax at the time. I would have loved to have taken pictures of everyone's faces as they looked at Joelle walking this steamer to the ship. Talk about the a huge laugh!

I managed to really hurt my knee while I was walking in Halifax back to the ship by stepping on an uneven piece of pavement. It was swollen for the night and the pain just short circuited me to the point of passing out after dinner. Good thing sunset wasn't anything spectacular.

Friday August 8, 2008 - So I Married a Photo Bomber!!

Woke up early from last night's passing out... about 5am. Joelle couldn't sleep, and this time it wasn't because of my snoring. So, we decided to head out to the aft of the ship to catch the sunrise. Not really to my surprise, there were a bunch of teenagers that were up all night at the back of the ship watching the sunrise. We were sharing photo tips with them showing them how to catch the sunrise. I managed to catch some great sunrise shots that morning and caught a few shots with them looking at the sunrise. It was such a cool pic. The cooler part was that I managed to do it without going blind!

Of course, I left the deck early because just after I left, they spotted whales and dolphins. It figures!

This was also a day at sea, so I was relaxing... a little more than I had hoped. I fell back asleep and woke up around 12:30pm. So, I grabbed some lunch with Joelle and we decided to walk around the ship. Joelle spotted a ship's photographer lining up a family for a shot and Joelle joins the line-up for shot. Everyone there looks at her with deep puzzlement for a few seconds and then everyone burst out into total laughter. It was a classic photo bombing... a totally beautiful sight!

It didn't end there, however. Joelle and I rushed out of dinner to catch our final sunset on the ship and it was beautiful with all of the pink and orange hues. Sure enough, as we then go about the ship gathering some photos around the ship of various parts of the ship, I have my camera aimed at a hallway in the restaurant and then Joelle sticks her face in my camera, making the funniest face just as I'm snapping it. I burst out laughing as I was photo bombed. Of course, she did it to me a few more times, and I found them equally funny.

Saturday August 9, 2008 - Good Morning New York

Joelle and I rushed out of bed at 5:30am thinking we were going to catch a sunrise over New York City's skyline as the ship's log stated that we were supposed to be docked in New York at 5am. So, I run to 7 forward with my ultra wide angle lens on only to find out that we're not even crossed into the harbours yet. I run back to grab my zoom lens and rush up to deck 10 only to find Joelle already waiting for me. The sun was not yet up yet, so I had a bit of time. A few people from our photography tour were on deck as well, getting ready to catch the sunrise. What a sunrise it was. It was totally spectacular. Even better was that we were far enough from the skyline that I was able to shoot the sun lighting up the side of the skyline. We were just crossing the Statue of Liberty and it was stunning in the sunrise as well. All in all, I took about 280 shots that morning. I was excited because it was a fantastic morning.

We grabbed breakfast and got ready to leave the ship. We decided to leave the car parked where it was and do a little shopping in New York City by train. Man, the subway is hot and steamy in the summer time. We were on this one car that was making me break out into a sweat! Of course, Joelle and I made a few stupid mistakes in New York, and we'll never do that again. Joelle made me promise never to speak of it again! I more than willingly agreed!

I didn't find a musical instrument store in New York City where Joelle was shopping, but I figured that I wasn't going to let it phase me. We visited Joelle's aunt in New Jersey and I found a Guitar Centre in Buffalo on their computer and figured we could pass by it tomorrow. However, I was reluctant to go there because my friends have dealt with them and it seems no better than dealing with Future Shop here - great to go to if you know what you want, but don't look for anyone that actually cares about a customer as much as they do about their commission.

Didn't matter however, because our plans got marred. A major NASCAR event in Watkins Glen, NY caused all of the hotels to be booked from Syracuse to Rochester. We got to Rochester and decided that it was time to just drive home, so at 11pm, we stopped on a rest area and grabbed some McDonald's Chicken Snack Wraps for the ride home and headed for the Canadian border. Mind you, Joelle was hoping that the Wal-Mart in Buffalo was open 24 hours, but it sadly wasn't. Her brief hope was faded and we decided it was time to cross. We made it back into Canada at 1:30am and got home to Guelph by 3am.

The vacation itself could have been better, but just having Joelle with me made it a fantastic time as it was. She made me laugh and made me feel good overall. This morning, we capped the end of our vacation by going to Angel's for breakfast.

And the music store thang... doesn't bother me because I only have one place where I like to shop and that's Long & McQuade and they haven't steered me wrong in the past 30 years. What was I thinking going anywhere else??

Building a body around a finger

This week was one of the most unusual recording sessions with Natalie Pifer, but we had to do it this way because she is going back to school and probably won't be back for a few months, if not Christmas. It's not unusual because of Natalie... she's a star, in her own right. In fact, she shined throughout the sessions. What makes it unusual is that I am taking her guitar and vocal recording session and building a song around it.

It's like taking a finger and building a body around it.

Don't ask me how I'm going to do it. I don't know yet. I'm just going to play this as I go along. I'm going to go where the spirit leads me. Nothing more. To me, it's unusual because I never record the vocals until last. This time, I recorded a whole bunch of vocals against a guitar track and we're going to take it from there. For all I know, this just might work. I've never tried it before, but I'm always willing to try some new methods to get the best out of a song. For all I know, it could be another great way to write a song.

Mind you, it does create another huge task... making the song sound as great as her vocals. She's blessed with the most fabulous voice I've ever heard. I want to make sure that she has great music behind her. At times this feels so much bigger than me. I guess that's a good thing.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna grab that finger and start building that body!

Overambitious at the mixing board!

Okay... so after Joelle and I listened to Natalie P.'s mix on Monday night, we felt that the bass guitar had to be pulled back. Of course, when I was trying to look at how far to pull back the bass, I may have gotten a little overambitious with it because I didn't quite get how much was too much. I got my answer in the car this morning. I heard no real bottom. That's not good because now it just her voice and guitars against a very weak drum set and no bass guitar. So now I'm going to have to bring it up the bass and kick a db or so... just enough to shine through.

At least I can say that I have now had both extremes on the song. So, the trick will now be to find a delicate balance. I will have to put aside my feelings and try to mix this thing objectively. I have to carefully listen to the song and see where the bass has to fit. If I have to carve a few more frequencies out, so be it. The trick will be finding where. I may have to thin the guitars out a bit to give the illusion that there is more bass. Funny how our ears work that way.

All I can say is, let's hope it works.

Feeling totally blessed...

As I listen to the results of our summer recording sessions with Natalie P. on my iPod, I am truly feeling that I am in the presence of a real star. She is an amazing songwriter and singer and I can truly say that I was blessed with being able to arrange her music and record her voice (and her guitar) along with enormous honour of producing and mixing her song. It's not my work... it's hers. I just worked with her to help her be at her best and portray her at her best. But in the end, it was all her. No fancy tricks. No pitch correction. Just Natalie's talent!

She gave me a card last night stating that Joelle and I were a blessing on her life. It feels more like the other way around... I am the one who is blessed by Natalie by getting the chance to work with her. I got the chance to be her producer, engineer and even a back-up band where needed. If anything, I feel like God is giving me another chance at music. Even if I don't make it big in the industry, I still get to be a part of something far bigger than me. There's a huge blessing in that. Besides, someone like Natalie deserves to be a star. She's proven it and if it ever does happen, I hope that Joelle and I have the opportunity to be a part of it.

Like I said, she's a real talent! She's something this starved music community needs. And I feel blessed to have been a part of it at this time.

Clear as MUD!

Okay, I'm probably rushing the mix that I am working on for Natalie P., but time is not of the essence as she is going back to school in the states very shortly and I wanted to get at least one more track with her. The thing is, and I let Joelle listen to it, was that in one part, I'm getting way too much mud in the song. I'm almost thinking that I am going to have to scoop a lot of the bass out in order to make it work with the drums. I may have to remove a bunch of the compression that I already attached to the bass. I think it may be contributing to the mud. Heck, I have to remember that this is not a heavy metal song. The bass probably needs more room to breathe.

I already noticed that I had a lot of drum room and ambient channels that were totally muddying up the song, so I made a decision to pull them back. Also, I'm almost thinking that I have way too much tom-tom bleed in the other channels. One of the toms just totally booms out and I know where it is happening. Therefore, I need to get rid of it. I was hoping to be able to let Natalie hear the song, but I am almost embarrassed about it. I know that I shouldn't be, but I am. At least I know that I can fix it. But, it's just disappointing that I am getting way to over-enthusiastic about the mix because I am bringing in a lot of muddiness where it shouldn't be. I definitely need to cut some stuff out of it. Heck, I already cut a lot of bleed out of the kick channels to the point where it won't trigger the gate that I put in. I may have to do this with the snare track as well.

The good part is that Natalie sounds like a star in the song. Her voice rises above everything else. Funny enough that I have been so picky about her voice that I spent a ton of time EQ'ing it so it sits right in the song. Not to mention that I took her background vocals and made them to blend so nicely with her vocals. The distressor emulation really gave her harmonies a shine that sounded amazing. Now, why I can't do the same with the drums? Let's see how tonight fares, after I get some tracks with her.

My freaky encounter with God gets ever freakier!!!

Anyone who has read my life's testimony online on Facebook knows that my encounter with God in a tiny gas station in Brookville, Ontario (which many probably have never even heard of) is nothing short of freaky to us human beings. If you haven't read it for some reason (most people don't care for other people's testimonies... secular world these days), at least give it a read for the freak factor alone. Don't worry; reading it doesn't make you a Christian. Heck, reading the Bible doesn't make you a Christian any more than reading Moby Dick makes you a whale. But, even for me as a believer (a Jewish one at that), I find it way beyond freaky! It still freaks me out today. After all, we're talking about someone coming up to me at a time I desperately prayed for a sign, and giving me a Bible and telling me the "God told me to give this to you!" We're talking about a gas station out in the middle of nowhere.

And it gets freakier from here...

We had some company over at our house on Monday night and one of the persons over was a good friend of Margot's. Margot's friend is not only a great pianist, but is also the daughter of a pastor. Well, we were talking about our freak encounter with God and she goes, "that was my dad". I'm practically reliving the moment all over again. Joelle had to be sure, so she has Margot's friend make a phone call to her dad to ask her about the encounter at a gas station. He asked, "was it in Brookville?". Right away, I knew it was him. She tells her dad, "it was Margot's dad that day". I got on the phone with him, and was trying to hold myself back from freaking out.

He's been there all along and within arms reach and I never knew it. Margot knows them rather well. Now, Margot knows him as the man who saved my life that day. He came to my rescue when I needed it most, just by obeying God's will that day. If I couldn't be like Jesus, I would definitely want to be like him: attuned to God's will and is obedient to His will. Perhaps, I could then have some more freaky encounters with God... I'd go for that!

Honest officer... Logic/BFD2 ate my evidence!

This past weekend, I had been dealing with the most annoying time with BFD2 and Logic while trying to mix down my latest song. I was trying to export the drum kit pieces and processed channels out of BFD2 and when I tried doing a spot check on the tracks, all of them were distorted as hell. I'm not talking too loud clipping distortion. I'm talking about shoving something into the bit-crusher, early Atari game type of distortion. I tried everything from adjusting the volume levels, removing all effects, and changing the sample rate. Nothing.

I was up in arms, so I reported it as a bug with FXPansion, the developers of BFD2. I told them that I tried everything. They couldn't reproduce the problem. It was still happening on my machine. I didn't have much time to spend on the bug because I had a recording session and wanted to finish getting some vocal tracks done. Sure enough, after the session, I switched back to my song and as soon as I changed the sample buffer size and start tweaking my mix, Logic crashes with BFD2 in it. It crashed hard!

I restarted everything, and booted up Logic once more, checking to see if there was any damage to my song. I played it once, and twiddled with a few faders. I then quit Logic and called it a night. Last night, FXPansion asked me for an audio sample. As always, I agreed. I then proceeded to create a new batch of audio files over all of my old ones that were distorted (so I could make it small enough to enclose). What do I find? No distortion! All my tracks are pristine audio quality! I figured maybe I don't have it running long enough, so I would let it run the entire song and I can cut out a piece. My entire drums tracks for the song exported in one shot with no distortion. All of my distorted files were gone and thus left my bug groundless for the time being. I had to tell FXPansion what happened, and now we're all scratching our heads.

I likened this to going to the doctor when you are sick, and once you get there, you are feeling better. Go figure!

There is one good thing that did come out of this, 24 or so tracks of drum audio which are distortion free! I can mix the way I love to mix, rather than wiring it though Logic. I get more punch from the audio tracks. All I can say is that I just didn't get it when I wanted it.

I could have done some music but...

... instead, I wasted my stupid time trying to prove to some inexperienced producer that snare drums vary in pitch and tonality when struck using various velocities at the centre of the head with a drumstick. This is something that I already knew. How did I know this? I have a snare drum. I don't play it, but I do listen to other drummers that do play it and I listen carefully to how it sounds. Let's face it... unless you're striking a rock, the vibrations are going to change because striking the surface various the tension and thus the vibration. Only rocks and other non-elastic stuff will not vary their tension that easily when struck with the human force behind a drumstick.

So, why the waste of time? Because this person was claiming that FXPansion's BFD2, the drum software that I use heavily, is varying its snare too much for his genre. Heck, BFD2 varies its snares like a regular snare does. This dude has no concept of dynamic control and processing. Once everything starts getting compressed and EQ'd, things will even out. This dude obviously has no idea of that, and he believes that we're all wrong. Heck, I already have the proof and it was something that I already knew.

The dude was obviously a waste of time and I have music in me that I want to write. I should have known better because this was as close to mud wrestling with pigs as I want to get. If he wants to show his inexperience, then he can waste someone else's time. I certainly don't have to prove things to him, because he just doesn't have a grasp of what music production is all about, and I certainly don't have any patience for someone who believes he's right and the we are all wrong, especially when they don't know what they're talking about.

A Perfect 32 Sample Buffer Rate... So Close and Yet So Far!

A couple of days ago, when Apple released Mac OS X 10.5.4, a lot of us had noticed a considerable performance boost with both Logic and BFD2. So, as a result, I decided that I was going to try and take this a bit further. Currently, I have been able to work with the latest revision of BFD2 with effects on with an I/O Buffer Rate of 128 samples. After the update, I decided to see if I could pull the buffer rate all the way down to 32 samples.

Well, I managed to get it down to 32 samples with the I/O safety buffer on for about 90 minutes, which allowed me to track an acoustic guitar along with a bunch of vocals. It was amazing because I never got such a good response out of Logic and BFD2 as I did. However, like I said, it lasted for 90 minutes. After that, Logic had a big crash. After restarting Logic, I found that I could no longer access 32 samples with BFD2. I got popping and sputtering and overall core overloads, which is really a big feat to do because I am running with 2 Quad-core Xeon processors at 3.2GHz.

Funny enough, I was able to get back my 32 sample buffer rate after clearing out all system and user caches. I managed to work with Logic and BFD2 for one song. As soon as I switched songs, I got the same problem again, without the crashing. I did do my duty and file things off as a bug with the developers. At least I have steps to show for it.

If anything, a 32 sample buffer rate would be so ideal because latency would be next to nothing. I probably could freeze the BFD2 track while I am recording my vocals and then track with the 32 sample buffer rate because the rest of my setup will totally allow it. Then, when I am done, push the sample rate up to the 1024 max that I use when mixing down.

Hey! There's a thought! No wonder I have grown to love blogging... it gives me a chance to just ramble and find a diamond in all of the dirt.

Canada Day... just like any other day!

We had a day off for Canada Day and to be honest it felt no different than any other day. Same thing happened yesterday that happened every other this past week:

Joelle and I are still fighting. She thinks I'm the bad guy, which I may be but I don't do it intentionally to ever hurt her because I love her very much. However, I don't think that she treats me so great either. And, she really isn't a bad person either.

If anything, it just makes me tired of all the pain and it just doesn't make living that much fun these days. Of course life is tough, but it never meant that one should be deprived of happiness. It's not like I am going to try to end it all... that never works. However, I am going through the "cure me or kill me" thang right now. If anything, I'm waiting for God to do something because I don't have the answers and God is supposed to have all of the answers. Right now I feel like He has all of the answers and is not telling me, despite asking. It's depressing to wait.

Mind you, I have been writing some music with my new computer and it has been coming out good. It also shows that I haven't lost my faith in God and believing that everything will work out. As well, I have been teaching myself some slap bass which I have always wanted to learn for a long time.

Yup, nothing different on Canada Day. Besides, the way the tory Feds are running the country (yes, now we know what they are doing), we'll eventually be celebrating on July 4th! Or, should I say mourning on that day...

I'm turning into a complete WHACK-JOB!

I must be losing it today. I feel like everything is just falling apart around me.

First, I couldn't authorize a gasoline purchase because the card was telling me that I had insufficient credit. First of all, this was a debit card! As well, there was more than enough to cover the gas purchase and as expensive as gasoline is these days, it sure as heck didn't put me over my daily spending limit! So, here I am thinking that there is a problem now with my bank.

Next, because of the stupid bank machine delays from getting gas, I had to take the 407 to get in on time today because I was late getting into the Mississauga rush, which would make me late for sure. Getting off the 407, my transponder doesn't give me the acknowledging beep when I passed under the exit checkpoint. Now, I'm really starting to think that the computers are against me.

Next, I try to get online with my bank to see if there's a problem. The bank's site doesn't respond, and it doesn't even bother to tell me that I'm logging in with the wrong protocol. Even worse is that it doesn't even bother to redirect me to the proper protocol. How totally lame... and we're talking about one of Canada's major banks. So, now I do get on and it asks me a security question. I had the answer right and yet it kept telling me that I was wrong. How totally frustrating. At least it was kind enough to ask me another question that I had no problems answering. Sure enough, no problem with is shown with the bank. Joelle confirms this by talking to the bank.

Finally, I'm trying to integrate some files for a project, and they are INCOMPLETE! So, now I have to harp on my project co-ordinator and get him to light some fires. However, it doesn't get the project done any quicker!!

So, in all of this... if God has a plan for His own glory to show through my complete and utter insanity, I can't wait to see this! It ought be to as good or better than I am crazy!

Submitting to His call...

After one of the most trying weekends doing a wedding photo shoot in Wasaga Beach, bringing me to a crossroads as to whether I ever want to shoot weddings with Joelle anymore, I came home all worn, tired and in a rather bitchy mood altogether. As a result, I was considering postponing Natalie Pifer, a member of our church and one of the most brilliant vocalists I have ever heard, for a while until I could get myself sorted out. Funny how I had asked Joelle, who I am still very much at odds with right now, to do this and she refused and said if I want to do have this done, I need to do it myself. Basically, I told Joelle to forget it and I will handle it because I didn't need any further hassles from her.

Thinking of how I was going do to tell Natalie on my way home, guess who steps in... God! Wouldn't you know it, He whispered to my heart going "Why? Why should she have to suffer for this? Record her and leave the rest to Me!". Suddenly, I got in the door of the house all motivated and went straight to the basement and fired up the computer and the audio interfaces. I got the drums and bass tracks all ready just in time for Natalie's arrival to do vocals.

Boy, am I glad I listened to God. Natalie did the absolute best vocals that I have ever recorded from her and I was excited. The song was really pulling together and her vocals not only made me feel better, but her words assured me, and it felt like she was carrying a message from God, Himself. It was an amazing experience just listening to her song.

We had a few happy accidents along the way and discovered how much we really liked these parts. There was one part where her guitar playing stopped on one of the parts and all that was left was her voice and she kept singing and all I could say was "I don't know about you, but I loved it...". Fortunately for me, she agreed. We then built on that part and I felt the emotions of the song just rise up even more. It was fantastic. It was just as fantastic waking up early this morning and editing the guitar parts and listening to this over and over again.

And to think, all I did was listen and submitted to His will. I should do that more often.

My baby... restored!

Last night, I was at my local Long & McQuade ordering a case for my 30-year old Ibanez Artist (that I've been through hell and back, as life would describe it) because that guitar is really like my baby. It's like it has been my best friend during my worst times. I had already taken steps to revive it, as mentioned in one of my previous blogs. This time, I wanted to take it a bit further. I remembered Steve at L&M telling about the Fender Restoration Kit, and after getting an enthusiastic response from Doug last night over there, I decided to plunk my $30 down on it to see what it could do for my baby.

In short, I was amazed...

I applied the Mist & Wipe first and things started looking good. Afterwards, I applied the Swirl & Haze Remover with their supplied foam applicator and that's when the magic happened. The entire finish came back to life and a lot of the surface marks disappeared. I felt like I got a new guitar from it. It simply looked amazing. I then applied the Fretboard Deep Conditioner and it just lifted all of the dirt off of the fretboard. That ebony fretboard was a black as could be. If anything, I really wanted to play it last night, but it was time to go to bed.

Just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming, I had a look at the guitar this morning before I went to work. It still had the same WOW! factor on it as it had last night. It made me realize just how beautiful my baby looked back then, even though I never really appreciated it that much then. I sure do appreciate it now!

Control Surface Revelations

I was going to write about my gripes with Kaki King over her remarks she made about Rush, but after searching her out on MySpace and listening to her music, I discovered that she just wasn't that interesting enough as a musician to write about.

So, moving forward...

I got an email to a tech support ticket that I made with Mark Of The Unicorn that opened up a whole new world to me. I got so jazzed about this, that I spent half the night just playing to see that it was true. They helped me set up my Mackie board so that I was able to control the CueMix software that speaks to my audio interface. If anything, I just didn't realize how much control it gave me. I discovered at the press of a button, I was able to control all of the routings within the studio from the one board. This in itself is amazing because I can control my monitors and my headphones amp right from the board itself. Don't have to fumble with my mouse. To me, that is totally freakin' cool and a lot more interesting because it totally removes the awkwardness that I have been putting up with for 3 years. As soon as I saw my faders shoot up to their audio positions, I was in a whole new world.

One more reason that ditching my M-Audio Project Mix for the Mackie was one of the best moves I ever made.

Croquet? I Don't Think So...

Joelle decided that she would buy a croquet game because it was on sale? Of course, my curious nature got the best of me and caused me to ask, why she would buy this. Her response was that of "I thought this way, we could do something together as a family?"

I don't think so...

Not that I don't do family things... we just don't need to do this. What is the family into? Let's see... music! I love to play guitar; Jack loves to play guitar; Josh would love to play and instrument, but he does sing; heck, Joelle even has more percussion that makes more noise than cookware! Not to mention that I love to record. I'd say that this one is a no-brainer! Joelle seems to not want to have anything to do with music, despite of everything she says. My life is built on music. If it doesn't have music, it doesn't have life to me. I have been wanting to do music stuff with Joelle for the longest of time and it seems torturous that she doesn't want to do so! We used to play guitar, keys and record all night when we were younger. She used to sing on various songs. Now, she doesn't do anything musical, short of turning on CMT... and hardly during the times it plays music. Where has the music gone?

And then she springs this stupid croquet game? Right now, I would like nothing more than to smash the game with its own mallets!

She even seems to be deluded into the thought that we are doing photography together. Hell no! We are doing a job together... which I may add is very unsatisfying considering that I really get nothing out of this company. But, as usual, she doesn't get it. Maybe she needs a good hit in the head with the croquet mallet to knock some sense into her.

If Joelle wants to do something together, then maybe she should look around and see what everyone else is doing and join in, rather than try to make her party and strong arm people to join in.

Thus I will put it clearly and openly to you, Joelle:

I like music... no, I love music. I love to play guitar. I love to sing. I love to write, record and produce songs. If anything, seeing me with guitars and recording gear almost all my life should have given you the slightest clue! I'm surprised you haven't noticed this after 26 years of marriage.

Integrity... something GM lacks!

I don't know about anyone else, but where I come from, a deal is a deal. To me, handshake deals are more valuable than the ones written on contracts, because if I can't trust a company to a point where I need to have a contract, then what's the use of doing business with that company in the first place.

Funny enough, Joelle and had a little discussion on this matter when she was listening to the news about the CAW's blockade of GM's plant in Oshawa. At first, she was sympathetic towards GM. Joelle didn't realize that GM had already signed a contract agreeing that the plant would be open until 2012, which is why off-duty CAW members are blockading the plant in protest. Now that she knows what the score is on the GM situation, both of us are definitely more sympathetic to the workers in the GM plant itself, and we're not considered union people (but we do have many friends in the CAW).

Plainly, GM has done wrong. They broke an agreement. People are out there not only fighting for their jobs, but for what is right in this case. GM going to court to stop the blockade is a cowardly move, and is also showing bullying tactics by going after the CAW leaders. The CAW is not doing anything wrong and the damages the GM is seeking are being caused by their own selves. The bible even talks about integrity. This is something that GM totally lacks, and I would be hard pressed to get our next vehicle from GM in November. I know that it is a catch-22 situation because if everyone does this, then more workers suffer. However, I have no intention on dealing with a company that doesn't stand behind the people that make that company what they are. Even more so, I have no intention of dealing with a company that lacks the integrity to deal with its workers fairly and walk all over them. After all, if they lack integrity with their own employees, then how in the world can they claim to have integrity with their customers.

And I am a customer and I'm watching you GM. This is the internet... welcome to the world of worldwide infamy in a matter of seconds. Govern your moves with your workers accordingly... perhaps there are other people that just may be reading my blog that are customers.

Memoirs of a would-be left-handed drummer...

Last night, while over at my eldest son Henry's house playing Rock Band with him, my other son Jack, and my eldest daughter Margot and her husband Jonny, we decided to switch instruments and I wound up playing drums of all instruments. Now, I am no drummer, but I did learn huge from last night's fun. The first thing that I learned about myself is that I am able to keep a rhythm on the drum pads using my left hand for the kick/snare combo while my right hand does the hi-hat ride cymbal combo. I also don't play well when my arms cross over each other. Although, I can cross over my hands if I change their roles. And, the kick drum would have to go on my left foot. It taught me that I would also have a very weird drum kit set up, if I were to play drums.

What does this all mean...

Well, I was able to translate almost everything I learned from playing the Rock Band drums last night to my Trigger Finger. I also discovered that the Trigger Finger in it factory setup is way too weird for me. No wonder I would always have such a hard time playing drums. The hi-hats were on the opposite side of what I was playing last night and I certainly don't wish to cross over my hands in such a short space. So, I went over my current patches and reversed the positions of the kick, snare, toms and hats. All of a sudden, everything felt so natural to me. All of a sudden, I was tapping out drum beats like crazy and doing various rolls with ease. I then did this to almost all of my other patches and all of a sudden it felt like new life had sprung forth. It may not sound like much to anyone reading this, but to me, it means a lots because in a game with no rules, I was feeling confined and last night set me free in so many ways! I learned so much about myself by putting myself out of my comfort zone and was able to use the information that I got back from it.

I definitely should try that more often... and perhaps some more drumming too. Who knows... it may help my guitar playing.

An Early Father's Day Honouring

Last night, I felt so honoured by my oldest daughter, Margot. She back in Guelph for a week with her husband, Jon, and she did something for me that I totally did not expect... she cooked a fantastic dinner for the both of us. Here's a girl who in my opinion deserves a rest from all of her hard work at the University just to get her Master's degree, and what does she do? She practically spent the afternoon in the kitchen cooking. It made me feel that this is a girl that loves her dad, to go to all this length. Not that the others don't (as Dina, Henry and the others have often expressed it as well), so don't get me wrong.

If I never get to express it again, I will say that I am blessed to have the kids that I do. I am more than proud to be their father. They may not appreciate some of the things that we do now, but it always seems to show later on in life that they appreciated on some level what we had to offer them in life. I may not have been such a great dad to them, but I always love them.

Feelin' like a total n00b!

Okay... here I am with my new 8-core MacPro and have gotten everything transferred from the G5 on over. So far, that's running smoothly. Logic works like a dream and BFD2 runs without breaking a sweat. I also put the unit through its paces putting together a wedding package for one of our clients in record time. The results were astounding. I still know my way around the underbelly of the machine via the Terminal, and I can still program in Cocoa and Objective-C.

Then why do I feel like a total n00b when it comes to setting up and running a Linux virtual machine? As soon as the VM boots up, I go goofy and have this total deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. If anything it's a sister OS to the FreeBSD OS that is running Mac OS X. The commands are not that far different. Yes, there are a few minor setup and operational differences, which also vary between various brands of Linux. However, it's not a totally different OS. I should be able to manipulate my way through that OS just like I do with FreeBSD.

It must be a psychological thing. I can't see anything that should hamper my abilities to set up a virtual HTTP server along with PHP/MySQL, Python/MySQL or Tomcat/MySQL. Perhaps, I just need a bit more faith in myself and tell myself that everything will be alright and perhaps keep repeating that it's all the same thing.

The moment the teacher became the student...

Joelle's brother and his 9-year old twin sons spent the weekend at our house and it was not only a fantastic weekend with them, it was also inspirational as I learned something from them.

While they were over, they had brought their guitars and amps and we were playing in my studio. I was also giving them guitar lessons and a bit of homework exercises to not only improve their picking co-ordination, but to also improve their songwriting abilities. Not that I'm this great songwriter or anything. They simply wanted to know how I started writing songs, so I gave them the same challenge that I was presented with when I wrote my first song.

However, the real lesson came for me when Joelle was doing a photo shoot with them and their guitars. Their dad always has them clean and polish their guitars as well as wipe their strings. The results of this showed in the photo shoot as their guitars were beautiful in colour. If anything, it made me ashamed as here I have my favourite 30-year old guitar that I cannot recall polishing even once. Even worse was that I showed it to them, corroded strings, salt deposits and all. I was embarrassed.

I took a lesson from them and yesterday, I removed all of the old strings from my favourite guitar and started by rubbing lemon oil on the fretboard. I then rubbed on some guitar polish on the finish and cleaned the entire guitar. I even went under the bridge and in almost every hard to reach area. I then put a brand new set of strings on it and reset the intonation on the bridge. When I was done, it looked practically like the guitar I bought 30 years ago.

The real reward came in the playing. I don't think I could ever remember that guitar feeling as good as it did to play. Not to mention that I can't recall it ever sounding better. That guitar definitely reclaimed itself as my favourite electric guitar. I owe it all to my nephews for having been able to rediscover this.

M-Audio: YER OUTTA HERE!! Make room for Mackie!

I hit my breaking point with M-Audio this past week. They put out drivers for every Firewire product except for their "flagship" control surface, the ProjectMix I/O. How do I know? Because I own a ProjectMix. Or, should I say, I owned a ProjectMix. As of last night, I finally went down to my music dealer with my ProjectMix in hand and traded it in for a Mackie Control Unit. It was the best move I ever made.

In the beginning, I lulled by the ProjectMix having both a control surface and audio interface on it and I was thinking that I could expand my inputs from 24 to 34 along with plugging my guitar or bass into it and then mix down. At first it seemed like a good idea. Why? I don't know because I already have 24 great inputs that I can already use. Not to mention that the thing already worked with Logic and I was stoked.

However, the honeymoon didn't last as M-Audio's drivers began to suck worse and worse and the thing became less and less responsive with Logic. I had to do these weird button combinations in order to get it to do some regular workflow stuff in Logic. Not only that, I had to change various control surface commands in Logic just so that it would get along with the ProjectMix. This became a huge problem when Logic would crash... it would reset my control surface commands back to the defaults which became problematic between the ProjectMix. The screen started throwing up garbage and some of the faders never responded until I move banks around. Then it got totally bad once Leopard came out. It has been well over six months and M-Audio still hasn't got a working driver out for the ProjectMix. Their beta was nothing but a bone... and a very bad one indeed. It wasn't even beta... it was alpha! Total crap! They have a ton of bull... and no meat!

Then, I really didn't get to notice just how bad their audio interface is until I plugged in my ART TubeFire 8 into my MOTU 24I/O and plugged my guitar into that. Talk about presence vs. existence. Everything was alive. That basically sealed my decision that I really need is a good working control surface... and the ProjectMix isn't it.

Plugging in my new Mackie board was total night and day. It responded and Logic automatically knew it was there. No contorted moves to get it to do things. Just a simple button press and its there. Logic's default commands work fantastic with the Mackie. Everything is in its logical place and is totally responsive. I rarely ever have to take my eyes off the screen. I even love the jog wheel. And... I get more functionality right out of the box and it's expandable. I don't know why I didn't get this in the first place. I would have never found myself in this situation. This is my board! I can't wait to really mix with it.

Don't go away mad... JUST GO AWAY!

Some people just don't get it. Here's why:

Apple just released a new update to Logic 8 (8.0.2). Prior to that, an band of trolls were whining in Apple's user-to-user forum that Logic is dead and Apple has killed Logic, just because they haven't gotten a software update every 15 minutes or so. Not to mention that they are talking about going from Logic to Pro Tools. Even worse is that they mention it at least 10 times a week or so. Now that the update is out, and with a whole grocery list of fixes, these same trolls are complaining that Apple doesn't care because one of their problems didn't get fixed. And, again, these same trolls are going on the forum that Apple has failed them and they're moving to Pro Tools.

Yeah... RIGHT!!

If you're gonna go to Pro Tools, then GO! It's just a DAW and if it works for you, then more power to you and your music. Quit making noise on a user to user forum. They think that if they scream real loud in a public forum, someone is just going to go "I'm leaving too". Ain't gonna happen! A lot of us work very well in Logic and we're not going to leave just because some troll is having a whine and cheese party on the forums. It has nothing to do with being an Apple fan-boy. It has everything to do with the fact that it DOES work. If anything, I have the music to show for it... both for myself and for my clients. If it didn't work, would I stick around? I'd leave in a heartbeat. Music is something I love... I will not let anything turn music into something I hate!

Or, those trolls actually believe that Apple will eventually listen on the forum. Nothing could be further from the truth. Apple employees are ordered not to interact there because of the whiny trolls. DUDE! You killed it for yourself! I don't blame them. I don't even want to talk much on the forum because they're whiny trolls. At least on the Logic forum that I moderate, I can at least call them out on it and if they can't justify their whine, I have no problems calling them a troll. If you have a legitimate complaint, that's different. Heck, one dude is a high-powered rock audio engineer and when he complains, I listen. It doesn't mean I take his complaints at face value, but I will go to him and try to flesh it out... and he does flesh it out! Funny enough, however, some of the same whiny trolls don't bother using the "I'm switching to Pro Tools card" on my forum. Wonder why? Is it because Apple's not there?

So, if you want to be a troll and complain for its own sake, you'll never be happy even if Apple does fix the problem you're experiencing. You simply love being a troll and your thrill is simply being miserable. However, if you want to make noise threatening to go to another piece of software, then dude, don't go away mad... JUST GO AWAY!

And don't let the door slam your rear-end on the way out!

The hardest part of a long weekend is starting back at work again

Subject says it all. Heck, if long weekends are meant to be relaxing so that we can come back to work refreshed and stuff, then why am I so worn out already and it is only 8:30am? Already, I cannot wait to go home and sleep. Heck, I just may catch a lunch time power nap. But, as it is, I feel like, despite the 8 or so hours of sleep I got, I feel like I didn't get enough rest. It's even worse when my body clock is going haywire, waking me up at all hours of the night. Sure, it got me up on time, but I'm already feeling short circuited. Then I have to drive to Woodbridge... which I am totally grateful that traffic was not seriously backed up.

Perhaps, the next long weekend I get, I should make it a point of working out a little more often. Perhaps, I will be a lot better relaxed if I do.

God must hate Queen Victoria...

Queen Victoria must have done something really bad to earn the wrath of the good Lord. Otherwise, it would rain even Victoria Day weekend in May. I have rarely ever seen a May 2-4 weekend where it doesn't rain. It's always bad on that particular long weekend. I don't get it. If anything, it definitely spoiled our weekend plans to go to African Lion Safari and do a photo shoot there. If anything, it's totally incomprehensible. Heck, our weekend barbeque was in the rain. Not that I mind the rain, but it was cold as well. The only thing that should be cold and wet on the May 2-4 weekend are the beverages!

Oh well... it just meant more time to clean out the studio, which I did. If anything, the area is all clean and ready for recording and jammin'. At least I'm happy with the way that turned out.

Even if it is cold and rainy...

Those Vocal Exercises Paid Off... I NAILED the track!

After the initial shock of realizing that making sure that I have done my rock 'n' roll duty before attempting those vocal exercises from "The Zen of Screaming", I started reaping the benefits from practicing them in the car going to Toronto and coming back home. I know that I only have to do them once, but they help pass the time as I am driving along the 407. I went to lay down some vocal tracks last night seeing as Joelle was picking Jake up in Buffalo and was going to be late. If anything, the results were astounding. I nailed the freakin' track... and this was one that was giving me a bit of trouble. It wasn't a range problem, but it was a case of hitting the notes properly. If anything, I'd always be slightly underneath it. Not last night. I was bang on the note. I used the same "dump area" techniques as the exercises and just let it all out. It was like opening the faucet on full and letting it flow. If anything, I have just one more vocal track to put down, which is the harmony. If anything, I'm gonna go full force with this and make sure that both ends of the pipe are clean as I have a huge note to hit before the lead guitar break.

Funny how the lessons that my mother taught me about singing go hand in hand with what Melissa Cross states in her DVD. Listening to Melissa is almost like listening to my mother on this, except that I get one thing that I never got from my mom... exercises. Funny how she opens up the DVD saying that she's not my mother... it's almost like she could have been.

I can't wait to get the last vocal track down tonight. Hand me the toilet paper and wish me luck!

Note to self: go to bathroom before practicing vocal exercises!

This morning, I learned just how powerful those vocal exercises from "The Zen of Screaming" really are. Using the diaphragm and pushing down... in other words, using the dump as Melissa Cross puts it, not only helps you achieve those big heavy notes, but if you don't make sure to take care of your bathroom duties beforehand, you will definitely hit the brown note in your undies. If anything, I almost experienced this in the worst of all places... in the car on my way into Toronto this morning. Let's face it: it never occurred to me before to either be mindful of our bodily functions or take a clean pair of undies if we're going to do this without taking care of ourselves beforehand.

Fortunately, nothing happened. However, I am going to make sure that I am going to take "one for the road" before I go home and try the exercises along the 407. But hey, at least I know that I am using the right area and almost having the proof in the pants proves it.

Was there really a weekend?

It's Monday already...

Last things I can really remember was coming home to a somewhat depressing birthday only to be followed by a somewhat fantastic wedding shoot on Saturday. I do remember taking Joelle out to a Mother's Day brunch on Sunday, but I think I totally slept the rest of it away. That is, if I can call it sleep. I woke up sitting at my mixing station. I guess I was going to mix some music down. I knew that I had a drum mix and a vocal take that I was totally dissatisfied with and I was probably going to do something with those. However, that obviously never happened this weekend. The question is, "what really happened this weekend?"

All I can say is thank God for my love of photography (along with music). If it weren't for being able to see the 1000+ pictures that I shot at that wedding, then I would have no memory at all of the weekend. Funny enough, I do remember the name of the wedding couple we shot...

Post-Birthday Depression... Feeling Worthless

Yesterday, it was my birthday and I was hopeful as I turn 45. Today, I am just plain depressed when I look at how bad it was. The only real gift I got was from God, knowing that I have outlived my dad by 3 years. Other than that, a close second was a new build of software to beta test tied with Henry giving me my present in July: tickets to see Rush in concert.

Not that I expect presents or anything, and I'm certainly not trying to be selfish... but when Joelle's birthday comes up, I do what I can to make sure that her birthday is nothing but a complete happy day, regardless of what it takes... time, money or otherwise. Heck, I even rallied my kids last year to send me their weirdest photos and I made a comic book birthday card for Joelle for her birthday and affixed it to her presents. You'd think she would think, "what would make his day" when my birthday comes... but no! I'm often hiding her surprises for 2 weeks before her birthday, sneaking them into the house under her nose (sometimes, they are in front of her face and she doesn't even notice and I know she's not playing with me... 26 years of experience teaches me that). When her birthday comes, I go all out to make her feel wonderful for the day.

I'm lucky enough to get a card. If anything, it just made me feel like I'm not worth the effort. I'm not worth the planning or the time. If anything, I just happen to feel worthless in my own wife's eyes. At the moment, I just feel totally shut down and want to crawl down into my little room and the basement and pray that I'm going to wake up any moment from this depressing dream. And to rub salt in the wound, here I am taking Henry to the Apple Store to get himself a brand new MacPro.

I doubt that anyone is going to even see this blog anyhow. Joelle will never look at this and know how I am feeling. It's not like I can simply open up and talk to her... she doesn't understand what goes on inside of me at times. My friends probably don't read my blogs (they have their own lives... who am I to interfere). I cry alone. And today, life simply goes on as usual as we open wedding season with a photo shoot, so I have to bury my feelings and pray that I don't implode.

I doubt that it could get any worse if a beautiful brunette or redhead danced all over my back wearing stilettos and a red dress. Then again, that would probably be the highlight of my birthday.